


Metronome

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [14]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Abuse, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 08:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13498414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: Between doing espionage for Junko, Mukuro attempts to make sense of what happened during Sayaka's birthday.





	Metronome

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe my girlfriend drew my more or less irrelevant OC which I've basically stolen from another character's design anway. Also, wow, I love how evil Sayaka looks in this: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/170196909991 (Mean Girls Sayaka AU)

* * *

 

 _"_ _I love you."_

Mukuro shakes her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She's been thinking of Sayaka's words ever since hearing them yesterday, trying to make sense of them, but right now she has other things to concentrate on.

With that in mind, she looks through the lens of her high-tech camera again. She isn't sure why exactly -- the chances of Sakakura somehow revealing damaging information right in front of one of his apartment's windows aren't very high -- but when she broke in roughly a week ago there was nothing damaging she could find, meaning for now there's nothing else she can do. Junko thought it would be a good idea, so it most likely is and she's just too stupid to see it.

She really hopes she won't disappoint Junko. Other tasks aren't usually a problem for her, and it's not like she's bad at gathering information... it's just that she's a soldier foremost. And while she can perform espionage, she's not really much of a spy when left to her own devices. She prefers having precise instructions to follow.

Doesn't Junko actually know the Ultimate Spy? Mukuro is pretty sure she's met him once, and faintly remembers having felt the urge to wring the guy's neck.

It's probably for the better that he isn't one of Junko's allies. Not that she knows much about who her sister's allies are, or how many there are. There's Someya, but it's not like he really knows what he's helping with, not to mention that he seems to despise Junko. There's a couple of Reserve Course students too, but she can't imagine how much help they're really going to be. If she knew the full extent of her sister's plans she could get at least some idea, but she's probably too stupid to grasp most of it anyway.

She knows for a fact that Junko spends some of her time with the students in Mikan's class, which means maybe some of them could be included too? She's seen her spend time with the Ultimate Animal Breeder, the Ultimate Gymnast, the Ultimate Mechanic, the Ultimate Musician... well, someone like, say, Komaeda probably wouldn't even require manipulation, he might just do whatever Junko told him to do unless it was about harming another Ultimate.

She's never seen Junko spend time with Komaeda though, which is a good thing. She'd much rather her sister didn't target Mikan's friends, and to a lesser extent people the nurse likes and admires, like that class president she speaks so highly of sometimes. Not that it's important in the long run... but she'd much rather not think about that.

Well, allies don't really matter anyway. For all intents and purposes, Mukuro is on her own. Having the help of other people would just slow her down. Probably. Some of the people in Fenrir were at least competent. Her squadmates in particular...

Mukuro shakes her head again. She can't space out just because there's nothing to look at right now. If she stopped paying attention for even one second, she might miss something vital.

She doubts it though. Being a violent thug really does seem all there is when it comes to Sakakura Juzo. However, he does at least seem to care about his childhood friends: Yukizome Chisa and Munakata Kyosuke.

She knows that Yukizome is the homeroom teacher of Mikan's class, and also happens to be someone the latter speaks very highly of, but more importantly she's the person Sakakura spends most of his time with. Unfortunately, they're either smart enough to not talk about anything that might reveal damaging information where someone could be listening or they just don't have any dirt on them at all.

Munakata works overseas, and while Sakakura and Yukizome talk about him sometimes, Mukuro doesn't consider him to be very important to her current task. She's pretty sure Yukizome and Munakata are romantically involved, based on her observations, but that doesn't really seem relevant. Either that or she just hasn't noticed anything.

When she broke into Sakakura's apartment, she found pictures of the three of them. She observed him looking at them a handful of times during the time she's been spying on him, but that never really told her anything. He likes his friends, she supposes. She likes her friends too. It's not strange to look at pictures of them, is it?

Mukuro frowns. Come to think of it, she doesn't really have pictures of her friends. She wouldn't mind having some. Well, that's not important right now.

She does have the feeling the three of them are hiding something, but Junko told her not to bore her with mere speculations.

She sighs. She isn't sure how much longer Junko's patience will last.

Junko didn't like that they had to postpone the spying on Sakakura until after the hand injury fully healed. She didn't care much for Mukuro's reasoning, which was that she couldn't fulfill the task to the best of her abilities while having to wear a splint. Without full mobility there would be unnecessary risks, she argued.

The vantage point she's currently on, which is the only place where she has nearly flawless view of all of the apartment's windows, can only be reached with a fair bit of creative climbing. Also if there had been any unforeseen consequences when she broke into Sakakura's apartment, escaping would have been much more difficult to do without being seen or knocking anyone out while having one of her hands in a splint. Taking him out with a non-lethal weapon wouldn't be so hard, but it would spark an investigation. And killing Sakakura would defeat the entire point of spying on him... not to mention that would spark an investigation too.

Junko eventually relented. Granted, she didn't say so flat out, but reading between all the insults and mockery Mukuro understood Junko more or less agreed to delay the spying until the injury wasn't a problem anymore. Still, after a week of basically nothing now, her sister has become a little impatient.

She was already annoyed enough that Mukuro wanted to spend most of yesterday with Sayaka, even though Sakakura wouldn't be at his apartment during the afternoon anyway. Junko didn't much appreciate having that pointed out to her either.

Mukuro rubs her arm. It's stupid that she still hasn't figured out not to talk back unnecessarily. Her mouth is just faster than her brain sometimes.

She's ripped out of her self-deprecating thoughts when Sakakura walks by the window. It's a bit earlier than when he woke up last Sunday. She watches through her lens as he goes into the kitchen, then walks by the window with an energy drink in his hand. He sits down, goes through some files for several minutes, crushes the can in his hand and throws it in the bin behind him -- he misses -- and eventually leans back on the couch, seemingly sighing. He sits there for several more minutes, until he stands up, gets dressed, and leaves his apartment.

Well, this was all mind-numbingly boring and pointless. Mukuro yawns. She finds she likes watching people from afar better when she gets to shoot them at some point. Patience is an important requirement for espionage, she supposes.

Mukuro climbs down from her vantage point. Maybe she can get an additional two or three hours of sleep if she makes it back to the school fast enough. It's pretty early in the morning... and when is that self-defense lesson with Sayaka and Mikan again? 12pm or so. She looks at her watch. It's 7am, so she has more than enough time for a nap.

School really has spoiled her too much. Getting only four or five hours -- sometimes less during certain operations -- of sleep was pretty much standard in Fenrir, and when she returned to Junko she couldn't sleep for much longer either.

It doesn't help that she could barely get any sleep yesterday. After everything that's happened during Sayaka's birthday.

She can't believe she was weak enough to agree to that kiss, to agree to say those three words back to Sayaka. As much as she wants to do both of those things over and over again, she knows it's a terrible idea. Why couldn't she stop Sayaka? And more importantly...

When will she tell Junko? Her sister was in a bad mood yesterday evening and didn't ask her about it, so she hasn't told her anything yet. Maybe Junko just isn't interested?

Mukuro feels ashamed for hoping that's the case. She doesn't want to tell Junko about yesterday. She doesn't want her feelings to be ridiculed and mocked. She doesn't want to be confronted with the fact that she's deceiving Sayaka, and she's worried Junko will do exactly that.

Then again, she would deserve it. Sayaka wouldn't say those three words to her if she knew what Mukuro was truly like.

Yesterday felt so magical... but it was just Mukuro being selfish the whole time through. And on Sayaka's birthday, no less. She's scum. She's nothing but selfish scum. She doesn't deserve Sayaka's love.

What she deserves are Junko's jeers and punches. Maybe telling her sister about it is a good idea after all. It might at least help her feel less guilty. The more pain she feels, the less happy she is... isn't that a form of justice too? It's the best thing she can think of. Whenever Junko gets a bit too violent or harsh with her words, it makes her feel horrible and sickened... but there is another feeling too. Not a good one, but it's one that makes her feel a tiny little bit better. Or maybe better is the wrong word -- it's more that she objectively knows she deserves everything that's happening to her, which makes it easier to bear.

She deserves to pay for the hurt she's caused her sister in the past. It's an equalizer of some sort; though leaving Junko alone for all those years, being always so stupid and useless... something like that can't possibly ever be paid back completely. And, after all, Junko just hurts her because she wants her to feel despair. It's Mukuro's own fault for still not understanding it. She's gotten better about that, but not very. The time in Fenrir helped a little... but a part of her thinks she will never understand despair in the way her sister does.

Sayaka isn't hurting yet... but she will. Junko's insults and mockery would just be pre-emptive pain that Mukuro already deserves. She has no right to dread it. She has no right to hope Junko wouldn't ask her about yesterday.

Maybe the lie she told to Mikan about harming herself was true after all, from a certain point of view.

 

-

 

Mukuro foregoes sleep in favor of working out.

It doesn't exactly make her feel better, but it's something that keeps her busy. She missed being able to work out without having to restrict herself. She hopes she'll never have to wear a splint again.

Sayaka and Mikan enter the gym when she's on her last five pull-ups. She quickly finishes them and lets go of the bar, stretching her arms while walking towards them.

"Good morning, Mukuro-san." Mikan greets her, giving her right hand a concerned look. "I hope you- you aren't overdoing it?"

"Good morning, Mikan-san. You told me yourself my hand was fully healed, didn't you?"

"Yes, but... well, I trust you not to overdo it." Mikan says resolutely.

Mukuro isn't sure if the trust is warranted, considering she's hurt her hand in stupid and careless ways twice now, but she appreciates the sentiment. "I will try not to."

"Geez, don't make her stop doing those pull-ups! I could watch her doing those for a whole hour." Sayaka tells Mikan, then turns to her with a smile. "Morning, Mukuro! Did you start without us?"

"Good morning, Sayaka." Mukuro feels flustered just seeing her after everything that happened yesterday. "I was up early today and couldn't think of anything else to do."

"Really? Wow, I woke up at 10am today and still felt like sleeping for another couple of hours." Sayaka says, tactfully hiding a yawn behind her palm. "Anyway, where's Makoto-kun? He isn't late for his first lesson, is he?"

Mukuro blinks. Right, she's almost forgotten. Mikan talked Makoto into attending their lessons on Sunday from now on. When Makoto brought it up during lunch break on Friday, Aoi complained that she'd been left out, but quickly got over it and denied their invitation for her to join them. Probably because Aoi already has other plans every Sunday, though she wouldn't say what her plans involve. Come to think of it, Oogami is never around during Sunday either. Considering they're both rather close friends, Mukuro thinks that may not be a coincidence.

"Makoto-kun said he has to help out his sister with something," Mikan tells them. "He was looking forward to today, b-but it's an emergency."

"An emergency? She isn't sick or hurt or anything, right?" Sayaka asks.

"N-No, Makoto-kun said it was um... 'an emergency, or at least Komaru said so'. Maybe she just needs help with schoolwork?"

Mukuro doubts that. Makoto isn't all that good in any subject as far as she knows, but then again he might be better at things in his little sister's age range. "If Makoto-kun is worried I'm going to be upset with him for not showing up, tell him not to worry," she says to Mikan. "He's just being a good older brother, that's all."

"I'll make sure to t-tell him." Mikan answers, relieved. Mukuro almost wants to frown. Does she really give the impression she'd get mad over something like this?

Sayaka giggles. "You have such a soft spot for siblings, Mukuro. It's cute. You'd cancel everything if Junko-chan needed help too, right?"

"Well, yes." Mukuro mumbles. Louder, she says: "Anyway, you two should set up your exercise mats. Today I'm going to teach you how to disarm someone who carries a knife."

After Sayaka and Mikan have warmed up sufficiently, she starts her instruction. It feels redundant when she tells them to keep their distance, to strafe left and right, or to grab nearby objects to either use as a weapon or as a shield -- surely both of these things would be completely obvious to anyone, but she supposes bringing up the simple stuff can't hurt.

She decides to teach them the cross block first. It's perfect for amateurs, simple yet effective. With a bit of practice, basically everyone can do it. She gives them a basic explanation behind the mechanics of the disarming maneuver, which they both seem to grasp quickly.

When she instructs Sayaka to attack her with the rubber knife for a demonstration, the idol laughs nervously. "Geez Mukuro," she says. "I'm not sure if I can really bring myself to attack you seriously, even if it's not a real knife." Despite her words though, Sayaka walks over to the spot Mukuro asked her to stand on.

"It wouldn't make a difference whether it was real or not. I'm the Ultimate Soldier." Mukuro tells her. She kind of feels embarrassed that she sounds like she's boasting when it was meant to be reassuring, but correcting herself would be even more embarrassing. Instead she says: "Attack when ready."

Sayaka hesitates for a moment, before charging forward, rubber knife clutched in her right hand. The lunge -- more than a little clumsy -- is stopped when Mukuro takes a step back and shoots her hands down while crossing them, trapping Sayaka's right hand between them. With the back of her left hand, Mukuro pushes the trapped hand up while simultaneously grabbing its side with her right hand, putting it in a joint lock and causing the knife to fall onto to the floor. She kicks it away, over to where Mikan is watching them.

Mukuro lets go of Sayaka, feeling a bit bad about the whole thing, which is ridiculous. It's not like she actually hurt her, it was just a demonstration. Still, the thought of being violent towards Sayaka in any way -- even if it's just for show -- sickens her.

"It can look a little hard to pull off," she mentions to both of her students. "But in reality it's very simple to do. The best one for amateurs to learn, since it doesn't require exact precision. All you need is some practice. Just remember that you should avoid doing the cross block until your attacker puts most of their strength into the stab. That means they will step forward with the side they're holding the knife with. If it's the right hand, it's also the right foot. If it's the left hand, it's the left foot." Her eyes lock onto Sayaka. "You let go of the knife too easily, Sayaka. That's why I couldn't really go into detail about how to make an assailant drop it by force in that position."

"My bad." Sayaka says sheepishly. "I was just really surprised by how fast you were. And I guess it was a little scary..."

"I'm sorry." Mukuro mumbles, more than a little disheartened. She didn't mean to frighten Sayaka.

"It's okay!" Sayaka assures her. "It was really cool too, you know? Right, Mikan-san? Mukuro is seriously impressive!"

"Y-Yes!" Mikan agrees immediately, nodding her head. "That was amazing, Mukuro-san."

Mukuro feels her face grow hot. "It's nothing," she mutters. "I'm the Ultimate Soldier, so it's obvious I'm good at that stuff." It's not like this is the first time she's shown them a maneuver like that either, but for some reason they're always amazed.

"Well, I'm the Ultimate Idol and Mikan-san is the Ultimate Nurse, but you still tell us we're amazing all of the time!" Sayaka counters.

That's true enough. Mukuro doesn't know how to argue against that, so instead she explains the various ways they could make their assailant drop the knife if they successfully performed a cross block and got their assailaint into a joint lock. She kind of wants to tell Sayaka how to hold and attack with a knife more efficiently too, but can't think of any way to not make the advice sound awkward. It's not that she wants to think of Sayaka stabbing anyone, it's just that inefficiency bothers her when it comes to combat.

She's surprised by how quickly her two students pick up on the disarming technique. Granted, she chose it for that reason, but she was worried about Mikan in particular. She's glad Mikan has gotten out of her shell enough to not immediately fall to the ground and curl up when it's her turn for practicing it and she sees Mukuro charging at her -- since that's what happened the first time the nurse took part in a demonstration.

Mikan isn't a particularly quick learner, but she always manages to perform well eventually and tries her hardest. Mukuro never gets impatient while teaching her, because she can plainly see Mikan's determination, her desire to do her best.

Sayaka is a fairly quick learner, though she tends to get a little full of herself whenever she picks up a skill quickly enough. Mukuro has to remind her sometimes that simply doing well isn't the same as mastering something. To Sayaka's credit, she always listens to the admonishments and never tries to avoid practicing any maneuver that she's already good at.

Her two students are very ambitious in their own ways. Considering what she had to go through to become the Ultimate Soldier, Mukuro has a lot of respect for that.

Her phone buzzes once she declares the lesson to be over for today. While Sayaka and Mikan sit down on their respective exercise mats, Mukuro looks at the message.

 **Junko-chan:** come to my room at 3pm. ive convinced someya chan to do some overtime and i want you here

Mukuro wonders what Junko means by 'convinced' exactly, but it's probably not important. She types back a reply.

 **Mukuro:** I will be there.

"I-Is that Enoshima-san?" Mikan asks suddenly.

Mukuro looks down at the sitting girl, frowning. "Yes, she needs me in her room later today."

Mikan nods, but doesn't say anything else.

"Do you wanna come to my room while Mukuro is helping out Junko-chan?" Sayaka asks her. "You have an exam coming up, right? I could quiz you!"

"That sounds good, S-Sayaka-san. Thank you." Mikan answers, returning Sayaka's bright smile.

"I could do your hair too!" Sayaka suggests. "I know I said it'd take me longer to figure out, but I think I've finally gotten confident enough to fix it."

"Y-You don't have to-" Mikan cuts herself off abruptly. Instead, she shyly says: "That would be really nice, if you don't mind..."

"I don't mind at all!" Sayaka chirps. "What do you think about short hair, Mikan-san? I think it would look really pretty on you!"

While they're busy talking to each other about hair styles, Mukuro considers Mikan's unhappy look when the nurse asked about Junko. She half-expected her to ask if she could come as well. Maybe she only didn't because of Sayaka just now. Mikan has been trying that ever since suspecting Junko -- apparently she thinks she could protect Mukuro just by being there.

She supposes on some level she can't blame Mikan and appreciates the concern, but it irritates her more than anything else. Wasn't Mikan supposed to believe her? She doesn't outright suspect Junko anymore at least, but is still suspicious enough to scan Mukuro for injuries whenever the nurse thinks she isn't looking.

Junko has complained about Mikan to her as well. Something about how Mikan is avoiding her and, whenever they do talk, seems pretty distant and almost fearful.

Mukuro wishes Mikan would just ignore her suspicions and not worry about her. It almost feels disrespectful, like she's being coddled.

In that regard, she almost misses Fenrir. The mercenaries there didn't coddle her. Well, for the most part...

Either way, she doesn't really have the right to blame Mikan or resent her for it. It's her own fault for not lying well enough. Mikan is basically right about her suspicions anyway, it's just that she doesn't have the context for Junko's actions. And even if she knew, she'd probably not understand either way. She'd have to understand Mukuro's relationship with Junko first, which is impossible.

Mukuro is the only one who is capable of that. And even she feels lost a lot.

She starts listening to Sayaka and Mikan again right when the former directs a question towards the latter. "Oh, but do you mind if I talk to Mukuro first?"

"I don't mind at all," Mikan replies. She stands up, giving both of them a strangely knowing look, and says: "Th-Thank you for the lesson today, Mukuro-san! I'll see you later, Sayaka-san. Goodbye!"

Mukuro watches her all but running out of the gym. It's almost like she was happy to leave them alone. Could it be Mikan suspects something happened between the two of them? Mukuro likes to think she hasn't been obvious about it.

Sayaka giggles. "She forgot her exercise mat. I'm gonna bring it with me so Mikan-san can pick it up in my room." She starts folding Mikan's mat in that neat way of hers.

"I hope you won't try to poison her with juice to make up for it." Mukuro says dryly. "What did you bring on Friday again? Bell pepper?"

"It was actually pretty good!" Sayaka defends. "And I don't even mean in the gross-good kind of way."

"I suppose you've made me drink worse," Mukuro concedes. "Bell pepper juice though? I think we're running out of juice flavors."

"Yep! That's why I'm glad you've given me the tea set yesterday." Sayaka's eyes practically sparkle. "Now we can replace juice flavors with tea flavors! We're not gonna run out of those anytime soon!"

"I was wondering what you would make me drink once there weren't any juice flavors to try anymore."

"Don't pretend you're not having fun! You love drinking stuff with me!"

That word just reminds Mukuro of yesterday. The expression on Sayaka's face a second after she said it makes it obvious it's the same for her.

"I really don't want to ruin the mood, Sayaka," she says, grimacing. "But I think we need to talk about what happened yesterday."

"You're right." Sayaka agrees. "That's actually what I wanted to talk about to begin with."

"That's thoughtful of you..."

"Thanks... so are you..."

There's an awkward silence.

"I wasn't trying-" Mukuro begins.

"Look, I-" Sayaka begins at the same time.

They both stop talking at the same time.

"Do you want me to go first?" Mukuro asks.

"No, I will." Sayaka glances aside. "I was the one at fault, so I should be the one to talk first. Mukuro, I... I meant every word that I said." She swallows. "But it was wrong of me to pressure you. You weren't ready yet, but I was being selfish-"

"That's not true!" Mukuro interrupts her. She was trying to avoid doing that, but hearing Sayaka talk herself down makes it impossible not to say anything. "I'm the one at fault. If I could bring myself to talk about my past with you, you wouldn't have to wait for so long. If you knew about me, you wouldn't want to kiss me to begin with, so it's definitely my fault-"

"Don't say that!" Sayaka is the one who interrupts this time. "We both agreed to talk about our pasts at a later point. Even if your past was terrible enough to make me not want to speak to you anymore, it'd still be my fault for pushing you into kissing me to begin with!"

"You only say that, because you're assuming what I'm going to tell you won't be bad enough for that to happen, but it is!" Mukuro argues. She pauses for a moment, trying to calm down. "I wanted to kiss you too, Sayaka. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Mukuro, would you have kissed me if I hadn't said anything?"

"I..." Mukuro considers the question. "No," she admits reluctantly. "But-"

"Then I pushed you!"

"So what?" Mukuro asks. She hates how Sayaka is putting all the blame on herself when she isn't the one at fault. "You wanted to kiss me, because you... you like me, right? And you gave me the chance to back out, didn't you? It was my fault for being too weak to resist."

"You're not weak for wanting to kiss me!" Sayaka says in a heated tone, giving her a pleading look. "Mukuro, if you want to talk about your past-"

"No!" Mukuro says. She flinches at how loud her voice sounded just now. "I mean... not now. I'm sorry, Sayaka. I can't- I don't... I can't..."

Sayaka takes a step forward. "It's okay, Mukuro," she murmurs. "Can I take your hand?"

Trying to regain her composure, Mukuro nods slowly, and Sayaka takes her right hand in both of her own hands and squeezes it gently.

"Did I ever tell you how lovely that looks on you?" Sayaka asks, eyeing the wolf bracelet on Mukuro's right wrist.

"You say that every day." She mutters.

Sayaka giggles. "It's true every day," she says. "But then every part of you looks lovely."

"You're teasing me." Mukuro accuses her in a quiet mumble, but nonetheless can't help blushing. Even after almost one and a half months of knowing Sayaka, she still gets so flustered when she's being complimented by the idol. It's embarrassing.

"I am, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong!" Sayaka says. "Geez, maybe I should've kissed your freckles too yesterday when I had the chance."

"They look silly..."

"They're beautiful. Just like you."

Mukuro stares at the floor, her cheeks growing hotter and hotter. "Please stop, Sayaka." She pleads.

"Sorry, sorry!" Sayaka's voice has a slightly hysterical edge to it. "I really didn't- I mean after yesterday I didn't- I just- gah! I keep messing up..."

"It's fine," Mukuro assures. "I like when you say those things, but... I can't really handle too much at once." She still stares at the floor instead of looking at Sayaka. Saying those words feels more than a little humiliating.

"I guess we've gotten a bit off-topic." Sayaka sighs. "Mukuro, have you ever considered that I might feel the same as you?"

Mukuro gives her an uncertain look. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." Sayaka fidgets uncomfortably. "I mean the whole thing about our pasts. I haven't told you about mine yet either, and maybe you wouldn't want to talk to me if you knew about it -- just like you're suspecting how I would react to yours."

"It's not the same thing." Mukuro argues. "There's no way you've done worse than me. Why would I judge you for doing less bad things? I wouldn't have any right to do that."

Sayaka is quiet for a moment, seemingly considering something. "Mukuro," she says quietly. "Have you ever hated anyone? Like, _really_ hated them? Wanted them to suffer more than anything?"

 _'Only myself.'_ is what Mukuro almost answers, before stopping herself. "No," she says instead. "I've disliked plenty of people, but I wouldn't use such a strong word for it."

"You told me before you've..." Sayaka pauses for a moment, her face turning sour, before continuing. "You've killed people. For bad reasons, you said. Did you ever kill anyone out of sadism or purely because you disliked them?"

"No," Mukuro answers truthfully. The latter did play a role when she killed one of her so-called comrades in Fenrir, but disliking him wasn't the main reason she killed him. It did feel gratifying though. "But that's only two out of many questionable reasons to take someone's life. And if I enjoyed the act of doing that, why would that be worse than feeling bad for it anyway? The person I killed would stay dead. Why does it matter how the killer feels afterwards?"

"Of course it matters!" Sayaka snaps, indignant. "Everyone can change, right? What- what if the killer wanted to change and become a better person? Are you saying it wouldn't matter?!"

The faces of dozens of corpses rush through Mukuro's mind, as well as the words 'inhumane' and 'traitor'. "No," she mutters. "It wouldn't. Not to the person they've killed, I'm sure."

The expression on Sayaka's face tells Mukuro she's made a mistake. "You can't mean that." The idol says so softly it sounds like whispering.

"I suppose it depends on the specific circumstances." Mukuro clarifies. The last thing she wants is to make Sayaka feel bad. "And the amount of people. I've killed so many people that it wouldn't matter how I felt about it."

Sayaka winces. "But," she says with an air of desperation. "But you feel bad for it now, right? I know you aren't just some killer, Mukuro. The real you is a wonderful person. I know that!"

"I... did feel bad two times, but not anymore. Killing them was necessary." Mukuro mumbles, slowly growing uncomfortable. She's letting more and more slip. At this rate, she'll tell Sayaka everything. After which... she won't be loved by her anymore.

But then she never deserved any of that love to begin with, did she?

She feels like she's about to suffocate.

"Do you want to go on?" Sayaka prods her gently.

"... No." Mukuro replies, loathing herself for being such a selfish coward.

"That's okay!" Sayaka assures her immediately. "I'm not trying to pressure you or anything, sorry!"

"It's fine. You didn't do that." Mukuro hesitates for a moment, but she at least can say that much. "You would hate me if I told you about it."

"We've been over this," Sayaka says, almost impatiently. "We both did awful things we don't want to talk about yet, but we both regret them-"

"I don't regret anything." Mukuro corrects. She's pretty sure she's said so already. "I felt bad for it at the time, but I've gotten over it."

"Even if you say that, I don't believe you!" Sayaka argues. "And I don't just mean these two you felt bad about. You're a good person, Mukuro! Not even a week ago you felt seriously guilty when you couldn't catch both Mikan-san and the box she was carrying at the same time when she tripped! Even after it turned out nothing inside the box broke! Am I supposed to believe you wouldn't feel bad for killing someone?"

Mukuro presses her lips into a thin line. It's like Sayaka and her are speaking a different language. "It's not the same thing. Mikan-san is my friend. I know her."

"So killing people is just that easy when it's someone you don't know? I don't-"

"Yes." Mukuro affirms.

"You- what?" Sayaka's eyes go wide. "I know you don't mean that. You're caring, not some kind of..."

"Like I said, why would it matter if I cared? The people I've killed would stay dead all the same." Mukuro knows her logic is sound, so how come it feels as though she's saying something wrong?

Sayaka's faces morphes into expression after expression. Fear, anger, and shock are all visible. After a long pause, she says the next words in an almost forcefully calm manner. "I won't judge you until we talk about it in detail, Mukuro. I want to know the context behind what you say. I do mean it, you know? Despite everything what you've told me just now, I believe you're a good person."

Mukuro lowers her gaze. She can't bear to look Sayaka in the eyes. "And despite what you told me, I think you're a good person too."

"You think way too highly of me." Sayaka says, letting out a short giggle that almost sounds sardonic.

"You think too highly of me too." Mukuro retorts.

"I guess we just gotta agree to disagree then!"

"I suppose."

There's a vague aura of hostility surrounding them in the ensuing uncomfortable silence. Mukuro can't quite explain it -- it's not like she hates Sayaka for believing in her. It means the idol is just that good of a person. It's not her fault she can't imagine the atrocities Mukuro has committed and wants to make excuses for them. She's just... being a good friend.

Unlike Mukuro herself.

"Well," she says eventually. "I should probably go back to my room to shower or I will be late."

"Right." Sayaka shoots her a strained smile. "Wouldn't wanna keep Junko-chan waiting, I guess. I'm gonna text you later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Well... bye bye, Mukuro."

"See you tomorrow, Sayaka."

Mukuro leaves the gym. She doesn't think she could have stayed with Sayaka for much longer.

When she steps into her dorm room, she feels even worse than before. She quickly undresses and gets into the shower. She turns the heat up higher than necessary, the water almost feeling like it's burning her skin.

Sayaka making excuses for her is a terrible feeling. She likes her so much that she has to rationalize her actions and try to justify them. She has to do it, because...

Because if she found out the truth about Mukuro, she would be horrified by her. Probably wouldn't speak another word to her ever again. It was obvious before, yes, but now it's so abundantly clear that it's staring her in the face. Why else would Sayaka try so hard to explain it all away, be willing to wait for so long until they tell each other? Deep down she probably knows herself and doesn't want to accept it.

The past Sayaka isn't ready to talk about yet... it's not hard to figure out what the secret is. Mukuro doesn't think Sayaka is a murderer, but she might be responsible for someone's death in another way. It's the impression Mukuro has gotten, at least.

And Sayaka thinks so highly of her that she doesn't even consider something very important. Mukuro wouldn't care.

Mukuro wouldn't care about whoever Sayaka thinks she has killed. Wouldn't care if she killed them with her own hands either instead of just being responsible for their death(s) indirectly or something like that.

Granted, Sayaka shouldn't be blamed for not considering such a thing. It's normal to expect to be judged for killing someone, but Mukuro is the Ultimate Soldier. If there's anyone who might not judge a killer, it's her. It'd be hypocritical of her to do so. Has Sayaka ever thought of that, she wonders?

She doesn't care if Sayaka killed out of sadism either. Sure, she can't exactly relate to it, but it doesn't really matter to her. She doesn't understand Junko's reasoning for the whole killing game either -- or it's more accurate to say she understands the concept, but can't... really comprehend it. It's the same with sadism. The thought of killing someone out of sadism doesn't horrify her, but is rather just confusing. There's no reason for her to do that. No one has ever inspired enough feelings in her for it, so it's just that she has never had a reason to consider it.

Besides, Sayaka's behavior makes it obvious she feels terrible for whatever she has done. The same can't be said about herself.

She can't believe she's almost told Sayaka about Surkova and Octavian. She's been thinking of those two with increasing frequency.

It's annoying. That part of her life is over. Junko has always been the only one who mattered in the entire world. Just because she was weak enough to forget about that fact for a while... doesn't mean her two dead squadmates ever mattered.

But then does that mean Sayaka is insignificant too? And Mikan? Aoi? Makoto?

Mukuro lowers her head, letting the water fall onto her hair. The hot water hurts, but it also dulls her thoughts a little. It's never good when she thinks too much.

Junko calls her stupid for a reason.

Instead, she opts to think of yesterday again instead of dwelling on unpleasant things. If there's one thing she's good at, it's pushing unwanted thoughts out of her mind.

Then again, it's become harder to do that, to quell the nagging voices in her head. Just like the thoughts about her past have become more frequent.

Mukuro brushes her hair aside, sighing as the hot water hits her face, and tries to think of happy thoughts. Of Sayaka kissing her, calling her beautiful, and holding her hand.

She sighs again.

If only she could think of a future where Sayaka doesn't hate her.

 

-

 

_"You're wonderful, Mukuro."_

"Sis?"

_"I could never hate you."_

"Mukuro-chan!"

Mukuro blinks, glancing to the table where Junko stands next to a sitting Someya, the former looking over the latter's work. Right now though, her sister's eyes are on her instead. "Yes, Junko-chan? I'm sorry for spacing out."

"You've done that lately. It's unlike you to smile to yourself too." Junko scrutinizes her with narrowed eyes. "Well, if you wanna be ugly so badly... anyway, what were you thinking of?"

"Sayaka's birthday yesterday," Mukuro answers, forcing her smile to die. She didn't even realize she was doing it. "It was fun."

Junko crosses her arms, leaning back and slightly sitting on the table, ignoring the annoyed noise Someya makes. "So you've told me. Am I ever gonna get details on that?!"

"You haven't really asked for them..."

"Do I have to tell you everything? I want details!"

Mukuro's eyes dart over to Someya, then back to her sister. "Junko-chan, I think I would rather tell you later." She says, hoping Junko will understand.

"What, because of bowlcut here?" Junko scoffs. "Hey, Someya-chan, do you mind if I talk to my ugly big sister about her hot date with Maizono Sayaka-chan, who is the Ultimate Idol?!" She asks, completely ignoring Mukuro's shocked look, and spins the chair Someya is sitting on around. He barely reacts to her actions anymore, so all he does is glare up at her face. Junko leans in and her voice drops to a mock whisper. "How about you just don't listen?"

"If I listened to half of what came out of your mouth, I'd have jumped out of a window by now." Someya grumbles.

"I think that means he doesn't mind!"

"I mind very much!" Someya protests. "I don't want to know what either of you do in your spare time." He gives Mukuro a sour look. "And by 'date' you probably just mean your creepy sister murdered that girl."

"That's totally a metaphor I'd use!" Junko agrees cheerfully. "But in this case, it's actually a date! Hey, maybe you can give Mukuro-chan some advice?" She taps her right index finger against her chin three times. "Then again, who'd date someone who runs around with a dozen of plushies stuffed in their pockets? You probably have no experience!"

"Plushies aren't very cool. I get it." Someya says flatly.

"You got that right!" Junko whirls around to face Mukuro instead. "I sure hope you haven't forgotten about me, sis! What did you and Sayaka-chan do?"

Mukuro shoots a glare to Someya, which she knows he doesn't actually deserve yet is unable to help herself, but resigns herself to doing as she is told. She doesn't know why Junko wants to make her feel uncomfortable on purpose, but maybe she's just too curious to wait until they're alone.

Still, she seems to hesitate for too long. Before she can begin recounting the events, Junko sighs and rolls her eyes. "Fine! Get out of here, Someya-chan. Maybe my big sis is scared you'll, like, imagine her and Sayaka-chan during your private time later or something."

"Why do you always have to say gross stuff like that, Enoshima?" Someya asks, scrunching up his face. For once, Mukuro agrees with the small boy. She doesn't like when Junko says crude and vulgar things.

Junko cackles. "You're both fucking prudes! Maybe you should date him instead, Mukuro-chan!"

Someya looks about as horrified as Mukuro feels at the prospect. "I'm out of here." He mutters, quickly gathering up his blueprints and darting past Junko.

Mukuro steps in front of the door before he can reach for the handle. "You won't speak to anyone about Sayaka or me," she says, her eyes narrowing. "Am I making myself clear?"

"Y-Yeah. I'd never tell anyone about this kind of stuff." Someya claims, almost seeming offended.

She feels a bit bad for how frightened he looks, considering it wasn't exactly his choice that this information was revealed to him, but in the end she just dislikes him too much to care a whole lot. She dislikes people who are rude to Junko on principle, though admittedly Someya might have some valid reasons to do so.

"Good." Mukuro steps away from the door. Someya doesn't waste any time and scurries outside, not even bothering to close the door behind him.

As soon as she shuts it, Junko speaks up. "You're so boring, sis. I wanted to see how awkward Someya-chan would feel while you talked about your date." She snickers. "He only knows you as that gloomy girl who leans against things and glares a lot, so it'd be funny."

"Someya isn't my friend," Mukuro mumbles. "I wouldn't feel comfortable to talk about Sayaka around him."

"It might break his frail little heart to hear you say so!" Junko wails dramatically. Mukuro doubts that very much. "He sure is good at designing stuff though! I've even gotten him to work together with Souda-senpai! It sucks that Someya-chan can barely tolerate that guy, buuuut it's a sacrifice I'm wiling to make for my _a-maze-ing_ murder maze!" She sighs. "Anyway, tell me about your date now! I've waited long enough!"

Mukuro obeys. "First we went to a cake shop, then we went to play laser tag, and finally we went to a flower garden. I think Sayaka had fun."

"You suck at telling stories, sis. Hmmm, I did notice you've started calling her just 'Sayaka'," Junko muses. She grins. "I bet it must've been a lot of fun then. Oh, oh! Did you make out or something?!"

"Junko-chan!" Mukuro almost shrieks. "That's... that's private."

"You did!" Junko's grin turns carnivorous. "You totally did! Wow, I never thought you'd have it in you- wait! Sayaka-chan's the one who kissed you and not the reverse, right?"

"Yes..."

"Figures! You're too much of a coward to do that yourself."

Mukuro feels humiliated for it to be put that way, but it's not like Junko is wrong. "You're right," she mutters. "I am."

"So how was it?!" Junko asks. "Was it, like, with tongue and shit? Did you cop a feel? Did Sayaka-chan cop a feel? She's totally the type to squeeze your-"

"No!" Mukuro wants to bury her face in her hands, but settles for folding her hands awkwardly and staring down at them. "Nothing like that. We just... kissed. And held hands."

"Awww!" Junko coos. "That's so sickeningly cute, Mukuro-chan! Was it totally romantic and perfect and all that stuff?"

"It was really good." Mukuro mumbles.

"Now all that's left is the dreaded l-word." Junko snickers, not noticing the way Mukuro is tensing up. "Imagine yourself under a lovely cherry blossom tree, the pink just whirling around you in the wind! You two hold hands, look into each other's-" She stops talking, and gives her a searching look. "Mukuro-chan?" She smiles. "Is there something you wanna tell me?"

Mukuro swallows, but doesn't want to hesitate too much, lest Junko gets impatient. "Sayaka and I told each other that we... you know..."

"I know?" Junko asks, tilting her head. "What do I know? You should say it out loud."

"I told her I love her, and she did the same." Mukuro tells her sister, the words tasting like ash in her mouth. She has no idea how Junko is going to react to this.

Junko is quiet for a long time, just... _looking_ at her with a blank expression. "Mukuro-chan," she murmurs, placing her hands on Mukuro's shoulders. She grins brightly. "I'm so happy for you!"

Mukuro blinks. "You... you are?"

"Of course!" Junko pouts. "Geez, did you think I'd be mad? Come on! I'm so glad you've finally accepted it!"

"I... suppose I did take a long time to say it," Mukuro admits. "But I-"

"What're you talking about?" Junko laughs. "I mean that you've finally accepted being selfish! You've finally stopped half-assing and made a decision! Hey, hey, how much do you think Sayaka-chan will cry when she finds out the girl she's in love with is plotting her death?! I think it's gonna be somewhere between 'a lot' and 'a whole fucking lot'!"

Mukuro feels her heart sink. "Junko-chan, please don't-"

"Oh no!" Junko wags her finger in front of her face. "No, no, no, you don't get to beg for mercy when you've already made the decision yourself. God, and here I thought you've finally accepted it, but you're still a coward. That's really pathetic, you know?" She gives her a look of pure disdain. In a low, cold voice, she gives her a command. "Admit it. Admit that you're just using her."

Hating herself for it, Mukuro obeys. "I'm... using her."

Junko's face brightens. "Good! Oh, don't look so glum! Maybe she'll survive the killing game! Granted, that means poor Aoi-chan and Naegi won't, but you can't have it all! Now..." She leans forward, as if about to share a secret. "When are you and Sayaka-chan gonna fuck?"

"Wh-What?" Mukuro can nearly feel her eyes bulging out of their sockets. "Junko-chan, that's really inappropriate..."

"Why the hell would it be?" Junko scoffs. "You're already using her to feel better about yourself, so why not use her in a more _direct_ way?" She snickers. "Do you think she'll be even sadder once she finds out she let the girl who betrayed her fuck her as well? The look on her face... it'd be hilarious."

Mukuro feels sick to her stomach, clenching her fists. She may be scum, but she'd never do anything of the sort. "Junko-"

"I bet she'd top. You look like you'd be a wimp in bed. Probably a screamer too! Do you think you could make Sayaka-chan scream?"

Why does Junko have to make all these vulgar, sexual comments. And with such enthusiasm too... she _knows_ that kind of stuff makes her feel awful. "Junko-chan," Mukuro tries to keep the anger out of her voice. "This is making me really uncomfortable-"

"Oh, deal with it! And don't look at me like that! I bet you've thought about it before, haven't you? Just running your hands up Sayaka-chan's legs until you reach under her skirt and-"

"Shut up!" Mukuro snaps.

Junko's lips are slightly parted, like she hasn't fully understood what just happened yet. Mukuro's anger evaporates in a flash, and she has the desperate urge to beg her sister's forgiveness, but she is unable to form any words right now. Her brain still hasn't really caught up with her yet.

Finally, Junko shows a reaction. Her lips curl up. "Oh?" She asks mockingly, stepping closer. "You want me to shut up? Then _make me_." She hisses the last words. Mukuro recoils like the breath is acid.

"Junko-chan, I'm so-"

"You wanted to hurt me, didn't you?" Junko licks her lips, almost looking excited at the prospect. "Don't even try to deny it. I could see it. You wanted nothing more than to punch me in the face just now, right? Or maybe you still do? Do you want to strangle me until I can't speak anymore?"

"No!" Mukuro denies vehemently. "No, I would never hurt you! I'm sorry, Junko-chan, I just... I wasn't thinking."

"Of course not." Junko drawls. "You're such a disappointment, sis. You couldn't even make me feel the despair of being hurt by my stupid, ugly big sister. You really can't do anything right."

Mukuro knows that Junko would feel despair if she hurt her, of course she knows that, but she just can't bring herself to go through with it. She could never hurt her baby sister. "I'm sorry." She can only mutter uselessly.

"I'm bored of you now," Junko says. "Get out of here."

"Alright, Junko-chan. I'm so-"

"If you apologize to me again, I'll rip out your fucking tongue."

Mukuro nods. "Then see you tomorrow, Junko-chan."

"Yeah, whatever. By the way, sis?" Junko kicks her in the stomach abruptly. Mukuro falls to her knees, grimacing. "Don't tell me to shut up again," she says in a bored tone. "That's not very nice, y'know? You better have something for me tomorrow concerning Sakakura too. Now fuck off."

Mukuro stands up shakily, ignoring the pain, and walks outside the room.

Back in her dorm room, she sits on the bed and rubs her stomach. The pain slowly subsides.

She had no right to get angry at Junko. Even if her comments were uncomfortable, the gist of it was completely right. In the end, she's just using Sayaka. She may try to ignore it or downplay it, but it's how things are. Even if Junko outed Sayaka and her to Someya... even if...

Mukuro buries her face in her hands, trying to make her thoughts go away. She outed Mikan herself too, even if she didn't mean to. Junko hasn't done worse than she has herself, has she? It doesn't matter. She needs to get ready to spy on Sakakura again.

There's enough time to mope later.

 

-

 

Sitting alone in the dark of the night while looking through the lens of her high-tech camera, Mukuro feels worse than she's felt in weeks.

Guilt is nothing new, of course. She supposes she's just gotten really good at suppressing it, at ignoring the reality of the situation.

... Maybe Sayaka _will_ survive the killing game. But Mukuro doesn't want anything bad to happen to Aoi and Makoto either. Sayaka would be devastated if either of them died too...

Maybe... maybe she could...?

No. She's toyed with that thought before, but Junko wouldn't agree with it. Sayaka and her other friends would no doubt hate her even in that scenario, but at least they'd be alive. Well, not that it matters either way. Junko would never allow it.

A part of Mukuro thinks after everything she's done for Junko, her sister ought to grant her a favor like that in return.

She blinks. What is she thinking? Junko doesn't owe her a thing. Not after she left like that for three years. Even though she mostly left because of Junko to begin with...

Mukuro shakes her head. Where are these traitorous coming from? Is she... still angry because of Junko's words from before? Talking like that about Sayaka... it just... she couldn't stand hearing all of that. How could Junko say such horrible things?

She grits her teeth. She deserved to hear Junko's words. She just has to keep telling herself that. The anger will be gone by tomorrow anyway. It's best not to dwell on it.

She focuses on the camera again. Sakakura should be done with his shower any moment now. Sure enough, he steps outside right as she thinks that and -- luckily he's clothed already -- slumps down on his couch in the living room.

He watches TV for a while -- fittingly it's boxing -- but doesn't really seem focused on it. After a while, he turns off the TV and grabs a folder from the table in front of him.

Mukuro recognizes it as the one with the photos, the ones with Yukizome and Munakata that he looks at sometimes. She watches as he goes through them one by one.

She watches as he holds up a photo of his two friends and him.

She watches as he puts his thumb over Yukizome's face.

She watches him smile bitterly.

And she understands.

Sakakura removes his thumb right when she snaps the picture. Mukuro wants to curse herself for being too slow, but this is enough to blackmail him with. The picture alone isn't, but the knowledge is. Junko will probably have her collect additional material to make sure it's enough. Her sister is really good at photoshop and editing, so it wouldn't be hard for her to more or less fabricate evidence based on that picture.

Mukuro is suddenly aware that she's going to be responsible for ruining this man's life. She doesn't know him, doesn't know what Munakata means to Sakakura, but nonetheless... the look on his face...

She can't describe it, but it's how she feels herself sometimes when she thinks of Sayaka. The knowledge that she will never be truly with her.

It hurts. It hurts more than she'd ever admit. She never thought she would feel sorry for a stranger, someone who plainly isn't a good person to boot... but then neither is she.

She wants nothing more than to climb down from her vantage point right now, to go curl up under a blanket and sleep so her thoughts will stop bothering her. Still, she can't do that. She's already disappointed Junko enough today.

Feeling a stab of pain in her chest, Mukuro continues looking through her camera.

A few minutes ago, she was hoping she could find out something important for Junko, something that might even make her sister praise her. Right now though? She thinks she'd take Junko's anger in favor of getting praised for doing such a thing. It's ridiculous. Mukuro knows it is. Objectively, she's done way worse than blackmail someone over being gay, but...

This just feels too wrong. Maybe because she can imagine Sayaka in the same situation. If anyone blackmailed Sayaka over something like this, Mukuro would make them regret ever being born.

It doesn't matter. There's nothing she can do. Why would she want to do anything? Sakakura isn't Sayaka. He doesn't matter to her at all.

But what would Sayaka think of her?

Mukuro presses her lips into a thin line. What does it matter? Sayaka would hate her if she knew about her past. Even if she somehow didn't, she'd hate her for sure if she knew about the future.

So it's okay to do this, isn't it? It's like Junko said...

_"You've finally accepted being selfish!"_

Mukuro supposes she has.

Then why does she feel like destroying her camera? Why does she feel like throwing up? Why does she feel like begging Junko to spare her friends? Why does she feel like running to Sayaka and telling her everything?

She does none of these things, of course.

Later that night, when Sakakura is asleep in his bed, Mukuro is staring up into the sky. She already has her material. She has everything she needs. She could just go back to her dorm room already and get some much needed sleep, but...

"Sayaka," she murmurs. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to like me, of all people." She doesn't even understand why it was her to begin with.

For the first time since they've spoken on that Monday back in May, Mukuro regrets ever meeting Maizono Sayaka.

* * *

 


End file.
